What the hell am I doing?

I haven't been sleeping very well for the past several nights, and here's why: I've had the same phrase reverberating through my skull, and no matter what I do, I can't seem to get any relief from it. The phrase? "What the hell am I DOING?!" I'm not even sure which part of my life the phrase is in reference to anymore, because sadly, it's a pretty comfy fit for every new venture I'm taking on.

I'm in the final stages of becoming certified to substitute teach, despite the fact that I could make almost no money doing this, and I'm terrified of the day just ONE of the kids I'm teaching realizes I can't MAKE them do anything (including behave). It'll all be downhill from there. Considering all that... WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?

I'm living in a town that despite having some great things to offer (such as close proximity to my family and low cost of living), I feel like I'm the TOTAL odd man out. I know this is probably a major exaggeration, and I'll find my new niche (I've changed a LOT since high school) in next to no time, but meanwhile... the sleepless nights are suffocating. There are times I really love this place, despite how much I complain (gotta work on that), but there are other times that I feel like I'm going nowhere fast here, and it is NOT a good feeling.

Then, the east coast trip. I have been SO excited about this trip for so long. Visiting my sister in D.C., seeing Philadelphia, looking at 3 grad schools throughout eastern Pennsylvania, renting my first car, staying in hotels by myself? It's like the ultimate act of independence and exactly the plunge I've been talking about taking in so many of my old posts. But then my mom's voice got inside my head, and all I can think of when I think of this trip is (you guessed it) WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? I don't have a job, and yet I'm going to drop almost 2,000 dollars on a trip to see a bunch of different colored LEAVES? Seriously?! And yes, there's the added bonus of looking at grad schools... but what if I decide I don't even want to GO to these grad schools? So then I think ok, what if I don't go to any of them? It's an adventure, it's an experience, and it's a chance to see 4 places in Pennsylvania I've never seen before. This is a good thing! It would just be a slightly less stress-inducing thing if I were driving a vehicle I owned, in a city I'd seen before, and wasn't spending every night alone in different money-sucking, possibly completely dangerous motels. But you know what? It isn't an adventure if it happens in your own backyard. I need to suck it up and get happy already. I deserve it, and if I'm dropping this much cash on it, I better at least ENJOY it.

I guess I just need to get more ok doing things on my own. I'm young, I'm healthy, and I'm excited about the world. Driving around Pennsylvania by myself is a little bit out of my comfort zone, but that's a GOOD thing, right? It's better to do it myself and see what I'm capable of than to miss out on it because I don't have anyone to babysit me. And I mean, it's eastern Pennsylvania, for God's sake. AMISH PEOPLE LIVE THERE! What's the worst that could happen? I'm doing this, and I'm going to love it. EVEN IF IT KILLS ME.

(So there, Mom.)

This ends tonight's crazy rant. Thanks for listening.