Looking for the silver lining

Today's optimistic realization: I probably won't get osteoporosis because the only way I can drink coffee is with like a pint of whole milk. Also, I have an addiction to melted cheese.

It's all about the little victories!

These are a few of my favorite things...

(And they're slightly more modern than raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens)

If I had to make a list of my favorite things, it would take me YEARS to complete (if I ever even completed it) and it would take up so much paper that it would probably be the most eco-unfriendly thing I've done in my life. So I won't do that. BUT my favorite things that I got to experience today are as follows:

1. PRESENTS. I know I'm too old to get that excited about presents, but who doesn't love them? In our family we do an annual lunch in the week before Christmas where we get pre-Christmas presents. And only girl cousins/aunts/Grandma come. And we eat awesome food. Definitely one of my favorite holiday traditions.

2. MEXICALI SALSA. Anyone from Bakersfield knows Mexicali, and Mexicali isn't anywhere but Bakersfield, so this shouldn't be a news flash to anyone who can actually get there to try some. It is the BEST. I don't even need chips, I'd drink that stuff straight if I could handle the heat/embarrassment of doing such a thing in public.

3. KINDERGARTNERS. How funny are kindergartners? Try a kindergartner talking about Santa coming in a matter of days. This kids face lit up like I imagine mine did when I clicked "purchase" on my Crosby Loggins tickets or first walked into the Nordstrom's shoe department.

4. PLANET EARTH. The documentary. I love our planet too, it's just this documentary is so unbelievably fantastic. And I'm not one of those hoity toity documentary watchers who prefers "films" to "movies". But I don't even have the correct adjectives to describe how much I LOVE this one. Breathtaking isn't an intense enough word. It's just freaking amazing. I want to spend all my time from now on in front of a tv watching them.

5. READING BOOKS IN BED. Even if it's like 3 pm. It is hands down one of my favorite things to do. And to have time to read what I want? I still haven't gotten used to that particular joy yet. Currently reading The Help which I can recommend to anyone and everyone. Just finished This Side of Paradise, which may have been a bit too smart for me. Before that, The Lace Reader. Absolutely fantastic. Get yourself to your nearest library, bookstore, or amazon.com and get them. NOW.

6. RED LIPSTICK. Instant glamour. Enough said.

A milestone reached, and a really great incentive to floss

Bragging point: For the past 22 years, I have had NO CAVITIES!

Downside: my most recent trip to the dentist indicated that in the 6 months between cleanings, I got my first cavity. And then got 6 more. Yes, you read that right. SEVEN. I have SEVEN cavities.

So this morning I woke up nice and early on my first day of vacation to venture out in the rain to remedy the problem. Except when you have SEVEN cavities, it's too much to remedy all at once. So I got the first half taken care of.

Ok, I understand that this is par for the course, but can I just say that needle they stick ALL THE WAY into your gums is terrifyingly long? Is that really necessary? Because I kind of think it is not. Secondly, not a fan of laying with my mouth wide open for like 45 minutes. And lastly, there were like 3 hands in my mouth at one time. And a drill. Good lord.

And despite my "Calm the fuck down" playlist ringing in my ears, I could not stop thinking "How did this happen?!" I am a flosser! Do I floss every day, yeah, ok, maybe not, but I do do it! And fairly regularly! Looking back on the past 6 months though, I have eaten a LOT of candy... and sugary coffee... and soda... and frozen blended drinks of the umbrella variety. So I guess it's not that surprising, considering. And I should probably be thankful it's my teeth that went to hell and I didn't gain like 80 lbs from all that junk. But MAN. Now that I can only smile with half of my mouth and I look like some comic book villain, I have a new commitment to flossing. For now, at least! ;-) (I wish they had a half-smile emoticon... this feels a little bit misleading)

Stress is bad, stress is bad, stress is bad

So no matter how many books I read on the topic, or get advice from people WAY smarter than me, everyone who's anyone seems to agree that stress is BAD. Bad for you mentally, physically, in the long term... no matter how you slice it, it's something to be avoided.

And I get that. I don't doubt ANY of the information. But I have a confession... I LIVE for it. And I don't know why, but I can't seem to break myself of the habit! I'll just go ahead and confess it all. I am a stress junkie!

I think it started in high school. I had a friend who constantly complained about how much she had on her plate, and it was literally a point of pride, and almost like a sport to me to know that I had more on mine. It was like "oh, really? Guess how much I'm doing!" I think it may have gotten to the point that I took on extra things just to add to my impossibly long list. I remember at one point, right before AP tests (I was taking 3 of them) I also had two attorney roles in Mock Trial, AND a leading role in the school play, and was still somehow pulling a perfect, straight A's GPA. When I drank so many rockstars in a day that my urine turned a VERY unnatural neon color, I was thrilled! Alarmed, yeah, ok, maybe a little bit. But mostly thrilled.

I mean, that's sick, isn't it? And then I got to college, and I don't care WHO you are, if you've survived a single college finals week, you know stress on a very intimate level. And, no, it's never enjoyable, but once the finals are over, and I'd actually survived AND succeeded... it was awesome. There's a real sense of accomplishment that goes along with getting SO MUCH done in so little time (and with so little sleep).

So now, I've graduated college, and there's this big empty hole where my stress used to be. I go to work, and when I come home, I don't have to do much of anything until work the next morning if I don't want to. And I suppose that's nice. But really, it's not. I miss the scared-to-death, never going to get it done on time rush that goes along with having a million things to do and not nearly enough time to do it. That sensation of just checking things off the list left and right is SO AWESOME. I'll admit it. I miss it! And yeah, I have grad applications, but I've had so much time I've actually been working ahead on them. Bor-ing!

Then, today, I got a letter in the mail. I submitted the online application for all the CSU's I'm applying to about a week and a half ago so I'd be able to send in my transcripts and such for SDSU before UCSD closed for winter break. So I'm going along, not worried at all, when this letter comes from CSU Fresno. Turns out, you have to have ALL your application materials in within two weeks of the online application. Which is great. Except for the fact that I did not learn this fact until 11 days after I sent the application. Which means I have 3 days to not only complete the application, but also get it there. Scary scary stuff. I LOVED IT. I brewed a pot of coffee, literally RAN around my house getting my desk area work-able, lost every bit of fashion sense trying to find the perfect study outfit (has to be the perfect combo of warm/not clingy/not touching my legs.... tricky), AND GOT DOWN TO BUSINESS.

Ah, it feels so good to get the old heart racing again. Yeah, it's probably a sign of impending doom. But I love it!

Update

Elizabeth Edwards (see post from a few hours ago) just passed away. The world just lost an amazing woman, but her power as a role model will definitely live on.

Class Outlasts Trash, Post 2

For those of you who know me, I have been somewhat unhealthily obsessed with class lately. I'm not sure why exactly, because it's not like I'm a buffoon or anything (I hope) but I see certain women with so much poise and grace (but who aren't statues/stepford wives... nobody likes those) and I'm like DAMN I want to be you! Then I was Christmas shopping at Urban Outfitters and happened upon this gem of a book, called Classy: Exceptional Advice for the Extremely Modern Lady. I haven't read it yet, but as soon as I saw on the inside jacket that it's a humorous approach to all things classy, and teaches young ladies the difference between dinner conversations, and conversations that should only be had with your gynecologist, I knew this book was for ME!

So, due to this rapidly growing obsession with growing into a classy lady myself, whenever I see someone with ridiculous amounts of class, I've got to share it. So let's begin. Elizabeth Edwards: CLASSY LADY TO THE MAX. Always graceful, always polite, but never a doormat. I WANT TO BE LIKE HER. She's of the few political wives who actually had the cajones to leave her cheating husband, and also one of the few who took a front seat on the campaign and is a political force all her own (and has been long before her husband's fame got her there). And she did all this while fighting terminal cancer! I mean, if you're looking for a role model, this lady takes the cake.

I just read that she's been told that further treatment for her cancer would be pointless, and she's gone home to her family to live out the rest of her days in peace, and that may be as little as a few weeks or months. Reading this broke my heart. I know if it were me, I would be falling apart at the seams right now. But she, ever the classy lady, used this unbelievably sad and unfair situation to encourage other people. How amazing is that? Here's a little blurb of what she wrote, and something I'm going to try to live by from now on:

"The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human. But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful."


This woman is beyond amazing.

It's December, so my glass is half full

So I've been thinking more about my last post (ages ago, I know) and coincidentally, I've also been reading up on Buddhism, which is fascinating, and I've made some progress. I still stand by what I said about never being able to REALLY know if someone's trustworthy or not. But I like the idea of seeing the best in people, NOT because it's a foolproof strategy (trust me, it is NOT) but because I would hope that when people look at me, they choose to see my favorable qualities instead of my less than perfect ones. So there you go folks. The answer to all of your questions. You're welcome. =) And beyond that, let's give ourselves some credit here! Yes, seeing the best in people might cause some discomfort down the road. But have some faith in your resilience! You will survive it. I guarantee it!

Additional little note on Buddhism, that seems perfect for this time of year. GIVING. So yes, it should be something we do year round, but we're in a recession, I'm a college graduate living with MY MOTHER, so suffice it to say that in the current economic climate, we don't. Which is fine, everybody knows what they can afford to give and can't. But like I said, I'm reading up on Buddhism, and one of the BIG goals of that philosophy is to end your own suffering. But their doctrine says that humans are like this giant collective unit, so in the sense of reducing suffering, we're all one. What does that mean? Your own suffering won't be eliminated until EVERYBODY'S suffering is eliminated. That can be either really depressing or really freaking cool depending on how you look at it. Ever the optimist, I think it's pretty great. It's encouraging each of us to get out there and help people, regardless of whether they deserve it, or are properly thankful for it, or even if they know it's you that helped them or not. Because if you don't, you will never be as happy as you could be. And, believe what you will, but psychology supports this notion. There have been countless studies on how charitable and altruistic acts lifts people's moods and overall happiness for pretty impressive lengths of time. SO GET OUT THERE AND EASE SOME SUFFERING, PEOPLE! I promise to do my best to do the same.

Ok, wait a minute...

To clarify, I have not just been jilted, dumped, cheated on, or in any way deceived or taken advantage of recently. These are just some thoughts that popped into my mind and seemed blog-worthy. That said, this is going to sound a LOT like an emo rant. You've been warned.

Question: How the hell are you supposed to tell if people are trustworthy or not? There's literally NO way to tell. No telltale signs, no malicious gleam in their eye, no standard "this is how to detect a liar/cheater/bad person" protocol. NOTHING. And even if you feel like you can "read people", HOW? HOW can you do that? People change by the minute! People are one way in one situation or group and completely different in another. So how can you ever really know?

Answer: You can't.

And this isn't just me being a bitter, crusading female (I'm actually quite happy, thank you very much). It's basic evolution. Any cue that might have evolved to detect liars and cheaters, and the liars and cheaters are EVOLUTIONARILY PROGRAMMED to change their strategy to a different undetectable cue. Seriously. Read up on it, this shit is fascinating. (Check out The Moral Animal by Robert Wright if you want to know more)

But while it may be fascinating from a scientific point of a view, from a "I'm only human and I REALLY don't want to have my heart crushed" point of view, it's pretty freaking depressing. So what do you do? Just accept defeat, realize you can't ever be truly sure about anyone (or more likely, you can be truly sure about someone and then be really REALLY wrong), and trust everyone and hope for the best?

I mean that's what I've done so far in my life, and I haven't been let down too badly yet. And my whole plan for this year is to just go for it, to close my eyes and leap and deal with whatever happens. And I'm trying REALLY hard to do that; I'm taking jobs that scare me, I'm making trips across the country alone, I'm applying to schools that this time last year I wouldn't have even considered, and so far, nothing has blown up in my face!

I guess I'm just worried that sometime next week, or next year, or 10 years from now, something is going to blow up in my face, and I'm going to be crushed. Why I'm worrying about it now, I have no idea. But I am.

I mean, I just want to be happy. That's what we all want, right? But at what cost to our own self-preservation?

Let's let kids be KIDS for a change!

First, I want to expose you all to a link of a blog by an absolutely fabulous mother. Her son is lucky to have someone like that in his corner, and handling "mommy war" issues with grace and humor is something that I admire so much. So take a look if the spirit moves you: http://nerdyapplebottom.com/2010/11/02/my-son-is-gay/

Which leads me to my big idea: I realize I'm not a parent or an expert on child rearing, but I plan on being both of those things in the next decade, so listen up. IT'S TIME TO LET OUR KIDS BE KIDS, DAMN IT. It honestly makes me sick that so many parents and educators waste valuable time trying to force kids into these unnatural, grown up roles. They're kids! Let them be!

If your son wants to paint his fingernails, who cares?! I promise you, there are bigger and more important things in this world and your children's lives than what color their nails are today. Furthermore, being exposed to things in different colors and shapes is an ENRICHING experience for young minds. So it makes sense that little ones would want something colorful they could look at any moment! Does it mean they're gay? No. It means they like colors. Who the hell DOESN'T like colors when they're 4 years old?

Kids are supposed to be energetic and imaginative, and instead of embracing that and nourishing it, we try to stamp it out of them. If you look at the young in absolutely ANY SPECIES, nowhere will you find them sitting calmly and doing the same work as adults. So why do we expect that from our kids? If they want to play, LET THEM. If they want to be imaginative, LET THEM. They're going to be grown ups for the rest of their lives, so why start them the moment they enter kindergarten?

The pressure we put on our children today is absolutely insane. I know of a student who didn't even know it was his own birthday until halfway through the school day. How, as a parent, could you let something like that happen? Today, I had a third grader break down in tears because he was so stressed out by the volume of work he was assigned. How, as educators, can we allow this? Children are so unique and amazing in their individuality, we should be encouraging that in them, not disciplining it out of them or pouring pills down their throats!

When you think of the leaders and the geniuses of our generation, and past ones, do you think they were like little robots as children? Definitely not. Something to think about...

Money isn't everything, but...

So I've been feeling super broke lately, and it's killing me! It's not exactly that I don't have money (although I am a recent college grad, so I don't have much) it's more that I'm not letting myself spend it. And that's a good thing, because keeping my grad school debt manageable is going to be improving my life for the next 10-15-20 years. But maybe it's the holidays coming up, or maybe it's all this free time, but I am DYING to spend money. Mostly on travel, so I think I can probably blame the free time.

It feels so unfair that I can't just hop on a plane to Hawaii for a week or two. Or New Zealand. Or Costa Rica. Or back to Italy. Or Spain! And Egypt! God, I want to go SO MANY PLACES (even the Grand Canyon or back to a few more places in the east coast would be awesome) and my financial responsibility is getting in the way!

My financial personality has been basically the same from a very young age. My grandpa remembers one Christmas, probably circa 1993, that I asked for a $100 dollar bill from Santa. My dad's favorite story to tell about me from my childhood is how I hoarded (his words, not mine) every bit of money that came my way, and counted it multiple times a day. The money in question, for your information, was a huge stack of $1 bills. Probably like 19 of them. I know, I was a high roller. =) And also, leave it to the MBA to think it's adorable that his 6 year old daughter is not only greedy, but also mistrusts her own family members when it comes to her money. How I haven't taken the business world by storm with this past is a mystery to me!

But I think the most relevant childhood money memory is when I told my mom I wanted a limo to take me to school, and she told me to start saving my pennies. Which I did, literally, for months. I don't know where I even found so many pennies, but I had a ton. But when the day came to count them all up, it still wasn't enough for a limo (who saw that one coming? yeah, everyone EXCEPT me). That's kind of how I'm feeling now. I can save and save and save, but I don't think there's ever going to be a time where it's wise, or even feasible, to hop on a plane and blow thousands of dollars without having to worry about what other, more practical things, that money could have gone towards.

There are some days that being a grown up really blows.

The moment we've all been waiting for

So you know those super cheesy "inspiring" teaching movies about teachers who go into a classroom full of hoodlums and after some standing on desks or ballroom dancing or musical training, suddenly every student is this passionate, intelligent, functional member of society?

I hate those movies, FYI. But my mom's a teacher, so I've seen a LOT of them. And every single teacher in those movies always talks about this big MOMENT where something finally clicked for one of their problem kids, and that's when it all became worth it for them.

Well, I'm a substitute teacher. So, I don't see kids long enough to really affect them, or inspire them, or have fabulous silver screen moments with them. In fact, if anyone ever televised any of my moments in the classroom, I think it would produce some pretty boring footage, since some days it feels like I'm repeating the same line over and over again. And the line is usually, "Excuse me, why is there STILL talking in this classroom?"

But today, I had my moment. And it doesn't make any sense. When the bell FINALLY rang, and the classroom started emptying, I felt the tightest little hug around my waist. I looked down, and looking back up at me was by far my WORST student ever. I mean this kid LICKED his own desk to get out of doing work. I had to take his water bottle away because he was somehow shooting water out of his nose at people. I had to threaten to send him to the office when he refused to do the assignment I gave him, because he said his regular teacher NEVER makes him do boring work. And this kid was hugging me at the end of the day? He said "Goodbye Miss Miller! I hope you come back and sub for us again, because I like you!"

Naturally, my first instinct was to check my back for the "kick me" sign or whatever other trick he had up his sleeve. But there wasn't anything there. The kid genuinely LIKED me. And damn it, I liked him too! Lord only knows why, but it's the kids like that who make the measly pay and sore throat worth it at the end of the day. Because if nothing else, there's ALWAYS a good story.

Adventures on the East Coast

I'm back from the east coast and am thrilled to report that everything went more or less swimmingly. My credit card statement makes me want to cry a little bit, but I'm trying to tell myself that's just the sign of a good (and much needed!) vacation!

I started in Georgetown with my sister, and instantly loved it. All the brick row houses and the gorgeous trees and cool storefronts made all the walking (and trust me, there was a LOT of walking) a fun activity in itself. I ate some great food at Taste of Georgetown, which is a huge event for charity that lets you sample some of Georgetown's best (and fanciest!) restaurants. I saw my first college football game, which was miserably hot and we ended up losing in overtime when the other team intercepted the ball and basically ran endzone to endzone, but it was an experience! And I saw all the touristy stuff in D.C., which I've seen before, but either blocked out or never paid attention to in the first place, because it all felt pretty new to me.

Then, things got REALLY exciting. I grabbed a taxi (the driver of which was more obsessed with serial killers than I am... little scary), hopped on a train, and was off to Philadelphia! I figured out the subway to my hotel, and was amazed at how easy everything was. Then I had my own personal tour guide for the day, and he drove me around to some amazing sights. My first cheesesteak, Rocky steps at the art museum, all the founding fathers type stuff - it was great. Then he took me to a state park near where he lives, and seriously, I'm still dumbstruck at how phenomenally gorgeous that place was. I didn't even bother taking pictures, because they wouldn't be able to capture even a fraction of how cool that place was. I didn't want to leave! It's been like, a week, and I still wish I hadn't left. We went to dinner with one of my friends from high school that I haven't seen since graduation and her sister, witnessed a pretty intense lightening storm (by my California standards at least), and then tucked in for the night.

The next morning, the real adventure began. I rented my first car, a zippy red little thing with a spoiler that made cop-watching tough, but was pretty freaking adorable. Then for the next 3 days, I drove all over eastern Pennsylvania looking at potential grad schools and the towns they were in. Again, the scenes from this place were astounding. The foliage was almost in full-swing there, and, for lack of better words, I fell completely and head over heels in love. I even told my mom that I liked the driving part of the trip best, because everywhere I looked could have been a picture on a postcard.

I am a little disappointed that none of the grad schools had that "perfect fit" gut feeling that I'm looking for, and I am definitely going to need that before I move across the country. So, there's a possibility that my east coast dreams are ending here, and even though it will always be a great place to visit, it will never really be home. And I guess I'm okay with that. The only problem is none of the places I'm looking at really feel totally right to me, and I'm getting really panicked that I'm going to misstep somewhere and end up in a place that isn't right for me for the next 3 years, only to take the risk and move to another place that may or may not be home after that. But THAT is a topic for a different posting. This California girl has some laundry she needs to catch up on :)

Could This Day Get Any Better?

This is kind of a continuation from the last post, but can I just say the past few days for me have been amazing?! Yesterday, I had my first real job and lined up most of the details for my east coast trip. Today, even more great things have been happening and it feels like everything in my life is falling right into place!

I didn't have a job today, so I started out the day by waking up early purely for the sake of sitting in my pajamas and watching one of the movies from my AFI list that I'm working on, Reds. So far, so good, but I'm pretty sure it's like 4 hours long, so needless to say, I'm saving the rest of it for another time.

Then, I got out of the shower and heard my phone ringing. I rushed to my room and answered it just in time... it was the principal of a special school I'm trying to volunteer at in order to bolster my resume for grad school. My original plan was to set something up so I could volunteer weekly, say, every Wednesday or something. He called to let me know that not only would I be able to help out in some capacity, but that it would be easier for everyone if I signed on as a sub for them. Translation: I'm still getting the same experience and something great to put on my resume, but now I'm setting my own schedule AND getting paid for it. So lucky right?

Less than an hour later, I got called from the school I worked at yesterday to see if I wanted to work Monday and Tuesday! I had to decline the Monday offer, since I'll be in beautiful Santa Barbara for an info session at my first choice school (not too bummed about that, obviously), but accepted for Tuesday! It will be a 3/4 combination class, and I can't wait! Money in the bank is always good, but I'm really excited to get to work with another age group so I'll have a broad level of expertise to brag about in grad school interviews. :)

After that, I talked to my wonderful friend Vida in San Diego where she is putting the final touches on her new place... which happens to have a loft... aka MY ROOM! Looks like another trip is in the works for me, and hopefully while I'm there I'll be able to catch a Chargers game, since that's something I absolutely MUST do before I die.

Now I think I'll head over for a quick visit with my grandpa to see how he's doing. He's been handling everything with my grandma's death really well recently, but I know it's hard on him, so hopefully some of my fabulous luck and great mood will be able to rub off on him. If not, I'm bringing homemade chocolate cream pie... hopefully it will lift his spirits a bit.

Can't wait to see what other great things today has in store!

It's About Time!

I am proud to report that I am FINALLY a functional member of society!! I got my first job subbing today, and I have to say, it went pretty darn well! I subbed for a 6th grade classroom that had 37 students in it, so needless to say, I was a little overwhelmed at first. But honestly, as far as a first day goes, I don't think the situation could have been any better! I was only there for a half day, and I can do even some of the most dreadful things if it's only for a few hours! And luckily, this wasn't dreadful at all! My students were great independent workers, followed directions amazingly, and weren't nearly as chatty as I was expecting. Being on my feet the whole time wasn't my favorite, but it kept me from getting bored, so overall it was totally worth it. And two of the students asked if I could come back tomorrow! Needless to say, I consider today a success! And I'll admit, I'm a total nerd... I don't think I slept at all last night because I was so excited! So, for sure after the 37 students and no sleep, I am ready for a nap!

It's funny how one day of work makes me feel like my whole life is coming together, but it really does! I made a pretty epic check-list to get me through the end of the month and was pretty overwhelmed with all the trip, work, and grad school related things I needed to accomplish. But I've been checking things off at a breakneck pace, so I'm feeling really good about the direction my life is going. I will have a paycheck for the first time since June, and I can't complain about that! I've made calls to places to volunteer, so hopefully that will be coming together soon. And I leave for my east coast adventure in exactly TWO WEEKS! Part of me wants to cry thinking of how little time I have left to plan, but I am SO EXCITED!! Still a little nervous about doing everything alone, but the more I plan for it, the less scared I get, so I think this is a good thing! I reserved my very first car rental, and am working on booking rooms for the different places, and have reserved a spot in info sessions for all three Pennsylvania schools! I can't wait to see what they have to offer (and see my sister too... duh).

I've been terrible about calling people back over the past few days in my productive fervor, but I promise, I'm getting to it as soon as I can (VIDA)! I seriously can't express how pumped I am to FINALLY have something blogworthy in my life, and some things to accomplish! Free time is great and all, but the past few months have shown me it is just not my thing! I'd rather be too busy to breathe, and from now on, that is exactly what I'm going to try to be! Although, not to the point of sacrificing my health of course. I'm reading all about the effects of stress in Robert Sapolsky's book Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers... fascinating stuff. I can definitely recommend it to anyone who's interested!

Update

I've been fairly MIA recently, and that's due in part to me finally getting the proper paperwork and footwork completed to be part of the workforce (hallelujah!) and, sadly, to the really unexpected loss of my grandmother a little over two weeks ago. Even though I've felt like a whirling dervish of activity the past few weeks, it's a little difficult to put into words anything blog-worthy that I've been up to. I'm not a big one on expressing emotions (although I've gotten quite good at recognizing them... baby steps, I suppose) and am a big fan of the mantra: when uncomfortable, crack a joke! But I guess it would be slightly inappropriate to be cracking jokes about the death of someone I loved so much, so here's my best attempt as an honest, but not too sappy, outpouring of emotion.

If I'm being perfectly honest, I spent the two weeks between the death and memorial service feeling incredibly guilty for not being sad enough about my grandma's passing. I mean, yes, it would be different, and no, I wasn't thrilled with the turn of events, but I was really surprised at how ok I was. I didn't even cry. And I assumed that if I could be consistently fine for two weeks, I would stay that way. My feelings on this seemed to oscillate between the aforementioned guilt and some major relief that I wasn't going to fall apart like I'd been waiting for the rest of the family to do.

But, as we all know, nothing in my life (or anyone's, I'm guessing) is ever simple. I waited until about 5 minutes before the memorial to realize exactly how devastating this death was to me. So, naturally, the snotty, choking mess of grief that I became only happened once I was in full view of dozens of family and friends. To anyone who's wondering: a funeral is NOT the time to try out more dramatic eye makeup. Lesson learned.

That said, I guess it's only natural to feel some pretty intense grief at the first major loss I've experienced in my life (and trust me, I realize how absolutely blessed I am for that). My grandma was a vivacious, playful, happy, fighter of a woman, and in my memories of her, I'm constantly remembering traits I'd be smart to try to encourage in my own personality. She was a lady who knew what she wanted, and went out and got it, no matter what.

So here's what I want: no more funerals, no more deaths, no more loss. Call me selfish, but I'm not really a fan of making a spectacle of myself in front of a large group by crying, nor am a fan of crying for any reason. So friends, family, loved ones: listen up. Take a multivitamin, get out and move, know your body and when it changes, and for God's sake, laugh every chance you get. I promise to do my best to do the same.

I miss you Grandma. You were one hell of a woman. Rest in peace.

Grilled Cheese Queen!

My love for grilled cheese has been a well known and well documented fixture in my life for many years now. I think it started with ordering a fabulous grilled cheese (cheddar on french bread) at Rosemary's Creamery after a dance recital, and the rest is history. Seeing as I quit dancing once and for all somewhere around the ripe old age of 6, the history between me and grilled cheese is pretty ancient.

But last night, for a new and exciting Meatless Monday, I stepped the love of grilled cheese up a notch, with AMAZING results. The wise thing to do would have been, of course, to have taken pictures. But, alas, despite my shiny new COLLEGE DIPLOMA (which came in the mail yesterday), I am not as wise as I often wish. So, use your imagination, kids.

Get ready to start drooling! I caramelized onions to make an AMAZING gruyere and caramelized onion grilled cheese on fresh french bread. Also a fan favorite (and by fan, I mean my grandpa... I'm just starting out, give me a break!) was the tomato, basil, and fresh mozzarella panini. Just like the ones my sister and I ate at a sidewalk cafe in Florence, Italy, and absolutely to DIE for. The next twist on an old favorite was sharp cheddar cheese grilled on cinnamon raisin bread. Sounds weird, but I'm telling you, delicious and unexpected!

And that's just me getting started! Tomorrow night, I'm grilling up some italian sausages (an unlisted goal of mine for this year and the rest of my life is to learn how to grill like a man!), pairing it with a risotto and peas and my famous garlic bread! Dessert will be a panna cotta with blueberries. I'm really excited to try everything.

And, of course, with all this cooking involving cheese and heavy cream, I'm also REALLY excited about the new fitness routine I've started on (ha)! I just finished day 2 of the plan, and knowing my history with diet and exercise, I admit it will be nothing short of a miracle if I even finish out the whole week. But the calendar in this month's self magazine is seriously GREAT... I'm feeling the burn, but in a totally do-able way. And, jump roping? Amazing cardio that makes me feel like I'm in third grade again (it was a simpler time). Only difference is I don't remember being quite so out of breath and sweaty back then...

What the hell am I doing?

I haven't been sleeping very well for the past several nights, and here's why: I've had the same phrase reverberating through my skull, and no matter what I do, I can't seem to get any relief from it. The phrase? "What the hell am I DOING?!" I'm not even sure which part of my life the phrase is in reference to anymore, because sadly, it's a pretty comfy fit for every new venture I'm taking on.

I'm in the final stages of becoming certified to substitute teach, despite the fact that I could make almost no money doing this, and I'm terrified of the day just ONE of the kids I'm teaching realizes I can't MAKE them do anything (including behave). It'll all be downhill from there. Considering all that... WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?

I'm living in a town that despite having some great things to offer (such as close proximity to my family and low cost of living), I feel like I'm the TOTAL odd man out. I know this is probably a major exaggeration, and I'll find my new niche (I've changed a LOT since high school) in next to no time, but meanwhile... the sleepless nights are suffocating. There are times I really love this place, despite how much I complain (gotta work on that), but there are other times that I feel like I'm going nowhere fast here, and it is NOT a good feeling.

Then, the east coast trip. I have been SO excited about this trip for so long. Visiting my sister in D.C., seeing Philadelphia, looking at 3 grad schools throughout eastern Pennsylvania, renting my first car, staying in hotels by myself? It's like the ultimate act of independence and exactly the plunge I've been talking about taking in so many of my old posts. But then my mom's voice got inside my head, and all I can think of when I think of this trip is (you guessed it) WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? I don't have a job, and yet I'm going to drop almost 2,000 dollars on a trip to see a bunch of different colored LEAVES? Seriously?! And yes, there's the added bonus of looking at grad schools... but what if I decide I don't even want to GO to these grad schools? So then I think ok, what if I don't go to any of them? It's an adventure, it's an experience, and it's a chance to see 4 places in Pennsylvania I've never seen before. This is a good thing! It would just be a slightly less stress-inducing thing if I were driving a vehicle I owned, in a city I'd seen before, and wasn't spending every night alone in different money-sucking, possibly completely dangerous motels. But you know what? It isn't an adventure if it happens in your own backyard. I need to suck it up and get happy already. I deserve it, and if I'm dropping this much cash on it, I better at least ENJOY it.

I guess I just need to get more ok doing things on my own. I'm young, I'm healthy, and I'm excited about the world. Driving around Pennsylvania by myself is a little bit out of my comfort zone, but that's a GOOD thing, right? It's better to do it myself and see what I'm capable of than to miss out on it because I don't have anyone to babysit me. And I mean, it's eastern Pennsylvania, for God's sake. AMISH PEOPLE LIVE THERE! What's the worst that could happen? I'm doing this, and I'm going to love it. EVEN IF IT KILLS ME.

(So there, Mom.)

This ends tonight's crazy rant. Thanks for listening.

Operation Beautiful

It's only been a few days since I hung my motivational bulletin board, but already, I'm seeing effects that I never imagined. The first quote that's starting a change in my life is by Ghandi, and it's a fairly popular one; "Be the change you wish to see in the world". It's pretty simple, but I always imagined it on such a large scale that I couldn't really apply it to my life. But sure enough, through a series of unexpected events, this quote has been at the front of my mind, and is leading me to take a real interest in promoting Operation Beautiful, which I hope everyone else will embrace as well. Check out the movement's website here: http://operationbeautiful.com/

I've been really spoiled throughout college with the friends that I've found. I didn't have many close girlfriends, but the ones I made in the past 4 years, and the ones that have stuck with me from high school despite the distance and time constraints, are such amazing women. I've been lucky enough to be surrounded by people who value others for the things that really matter: strength of character, sense of humor, intelligence, and dependability (just to name a few). In fact, I've been so surrounded by these people, that it was all too easy to forget that there are a lot of people out there who only value themselves for their ability to bring others down, and will do so in just about any way possible.

But these people ARE out there, and there are way too many of them. And after a recent run-in, it was way too easy to fall into the trap, and join the forces of hateful, catty, shallow women to fight back. Which is when the Ghandi quote really hit home for me. If I want to live in a world where women are more interested in encouraging each other, rather than pulling each other down, I have to start by being a person who does that. And, let's face it, that world is probably never going to happen while I'm still young. But when I think of my 7 year old cousin, who is an absolute knockout (with a great personality and fabulous mind to boot), I don't want her to ever have to deal with bitchy, catty girls who recognize her value, but would rather put her down for it than appreciate it.

It feels like we live in a world that is modeled after an episode of The Bachelor, and it's a no holds barred, anything goes competition for men, where we see every other female as the enemy. That's why Operation Beautiful is SUCH a cool thing. No one said men couldn't get involved, but the stories on the site are all about women bringing other women up, and encouraging them to see their own value and beauty without considering aesthetics. And the best part is, by being part of Operation Beautiful, you may not even know the woman you're encouraging. Many people leave encouraging notes on bathroom mirrors, lamp posts, and other high traffic public places. There's no way of knowing what woman will read the note and have her spirits lifted, but you can be sure that for someone, it will be the boost they need.

So who's with me? Who's ready to live in a world where a woman can recognize her own worth, regardless of what she sees in the mirror, and recognize the worth of others for things bigger and more important than their looks? I know I am. Let's make it happen.

Be Classy, Not Trashy

I think the funny thing about class is that it only ever looks effortless. It rarely, if ever, ACTUALLY is. Or maybe that's just me.

So today, I'm working on being classy. Because today is the day I feel not at all like I want to be classy, and I think those are the situations when class is most necessary, and most appreciable. The plan is to channel Ingrid Bergman, Grace Kelly, Audrey Hepburn... ladies who handled every situation with grace and manners.

God, if only it could be that easy.

Words to Live By

Today I am super excited, because I have FINALLY finished working on the desk/wall area of my room. I still have 2 1/2 walls plus closet to go, but the first chunk is finished, and I'm really thrilled with it.

I read in a magazine article that extending your desk to a bulletin board above it is one of the best things you can do to keep a small space uncluttered (and my room at home is the definition of "small space". I'm often surprised a double bed fits in there). But then I was reading another article about every piece in your room having a purpose, or a function, and not having needless clutter just for decoration's sake. So then I was really perplexed. Is it worth spending time and money for something that's just going to move the clutter from my desk to my wall? Is that really a purpose? I decided it wasn't.

So then some more deep thinking had to occur (all for a desk... ridiculous I know, but like I said, I have a LOT of free time lately). What do I want this space to do for me? The main things I'm using my desk for, now that I'm not a student, are grad school applications, job applications, and planning a solo trip on a tight budget to the east coast. Considering all this, the main emotion I have when I'm at my desk is one of being COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED. So the purpose needed to be motivation, encouragement, and a gentle nudge in the right direction. So I found all these amazing quotes (products on http://quotablecards.com/ if you don't feel like making your own, like I did), and got to work.

One massive art project later, and I've got a space that's everything I want it to be. A place to put bills and pictures and post-it reminders, but also, a place that's going to inspire me to keep working through the more overwhelming moments that are sure to come in the next several months. And if I do say so, it looks adorable, right?!


But, since I'm not the only one in cyberspace experiencing some overwhelming moments in my life, here are the quotes I used on my board. I seriously LOVE them, and think they are great words by some seriously smart people to live your life by.

"If we all did the things we were capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves." - Thomas Edison

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." - Ghandi

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined." - Thoureau

"Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And the now is right on time." - Asha Tyson

"Just when the caterpillar though the world was over, it became a butterfly." - Proverb

"Go forth, and set the world on fire." - St. Ignatious Loyola

"Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Continue to learn. Appreciate your friends. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is." - Mary Anne Radmacher

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." - unknown

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." - Neale Donald Walsch

"Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." - William Faulkner

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain." - Vivan Greene

Julie and Julia? Try Becca and Betty!

I've been absolutely LOVING all the cooking I've been able to do in my free time. The free time itself, I have mixed feelings about (and by mixed, I mean 99% of the time, I hate it), but the cooking that happens to break up the monotony has been great.

Not only does cooking generally lead to eating (which is one of my most favorite things in the world), it is so relaxing! The clean-up after I could do without, but there's a lot to be appreciated in creating something whole out of several disjointed pieces, and having a clear direction that you're working towards. If only life could be so straightforward, right?

Here are a few of the things I've been working on that I actually remembered to take pictures of! I need to start keeping my camera in my kitchen more, because the fact that I only have 2 pictures is kind of pathetic. Hopefully there will be more to come later!

German Chocolate Cupcakes from scratch:

Chocolate Cream Pie from scratch (recipe from Joy of Cooking):

Variety is the Spice of Life

One of my big goals for myself for my gap year was to work on coming out of my shell more, and being spontaneous. That’s not usually a big thing for me, but coming out of my shell was something that was happening a lot with the ex, since I had to force myself into social situations that alone, I wouldn’t have even given a chance to. And I really liked it, so I figure: why shouldn’t I continue coming out of my comfort zone now that I’m single? If anything, now that I’m in a new place geographically and emotionally, the time to put myself out there is now.

So far, I’ve been a bit superficial and the biggest changes have been in appearance, but I feel like it’s only the tip of the iceberg for me! I’d been planning on donating my hair to locks for love for the past 3 ½ years, but I had a very clear date in mind for the huge change… and it was far, FAR away. Then, the night before a scheduled trim, I measured my hair and found it was ready to go. So what did I have to lose, right? I chopped it all off! 11 ½ inches less and one brand new hairstyle later, I’ve decided I’m not quite done with the gutsy changes. So, on Friday not only will I be rocking the new bob, I will be a fiery redhead to boot! Pictures will come then too, but here are the before and after up to this point!

My most recent long hair photo, with my latest purchase and new love, the kindle!




And my new, short hair along with my 11 1/2 inch donation!




For anyone who's looking to donate their own hair, or money to a cause that provides wigs to children in need, I would love to recommend locks of love! Their website is http://www.locksoflove.org/donate.html and they donate hairpieces to children dealing with radiation or chemotherapy, burn victims, or those suffering with alopecia areata. As someone who's struggled with alopecia myself, I know how much partial or total hair loss can affect a child's self confidence and self esteem. For the rest of us, hair grows back, so a donation is a really cool way to make a huge change in someone's life with very minimal sacrifice to yourself. Everyone should consider it!

Attention Citizens of my "Un-Fabulous" Town:

If you want to be hateful, uneducated, and homophobic, that’s fine. But here are a few tips. If you’re going to say your view is correct because it’s SCIENCE, maybe you should look for a few scientific sources that support this view. By scientific, I mean empirical, peer-reviewed type sources. Don’t know what those are? Oh, I’m sorry. I guess that information isn't required to get a GED. IF you even have a GED, which is doubtful. Oh, P.S: while the bible is great and all, it’s not actually a scientific source. So next time you want to say that being gay is “unnatural” and it’s not your opinion, “it’s science”… do your homework.

This moving home thing may be harder than I thought.

Power to the People

I don’t know what it is about a power ballad that gets me energized, but it gets me every time, without fail! My requirements for such a song aren’t very stringent: it has to be loud, slightly embarrassing, usually from before I was born (I’m an ’88 baby) and if the singer has permed hair longer than my own and is exposing a fair amount of chest, we’re good.

I love power ballads so much that for all four years of college, I listened to Survivor’s Eye of the Tiger to get pumped before every single one of my midterms and finals. And now that I am a college graduate, I can proudly say, it worked! (It must have, right? I mean, I did graduate…)

There’s nothing like getting in my car, having a random power ballad come on the radio, and suddenly feeling like everything’s right in the world. I want to drive fast, take chances, and succeed at absolutely anything. In those three to six minutes, everything is right in the world; karma exists, and I’m just sure that anyone who has ever wronged me is paying for it in some way or another. The rush lasts beyond the song too, and somehow, I just feel like getting things done.

That said, here’s a particularly fabulous power ballad by the legendary Whitesnake:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3MXiTeH_Pg

Am I the only one incapable of taking her own advice?

“Do one thing every day that scares you” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Last night, after seeing a movie, I was sitting in a Starbucks chatting with a friend about how confusing dating as an adult is. The woman next to us, after overhearing quite a bit, shared her own confusion: A coworker she had a crush on often asked her what she was doing on the weekends. She, not realizing it was probably an invitation for a date, told him what she was doing (sounding busy, and thus, unavailable). This has apparently gone on for well over a year, until the coworker noticed a new coworker asking this lady the same question, with the same response. The old coworker (the one she has a crush on) advised her to be more available, because when guys ask you what you’re doing over the weekend, they don’t ACTUALLY want to know.

So, when she was asking for advice, the answer was obvious. She needs to go for it! The coworker is obviously interested, otherwise he wouldn’t be doing things that he himself says are signs of a guy being interested. She literally has nothing to lose by casually asking him to a movie or something, right? But she’s too terrified to do it! And as I was trying to convince her how absolutely harmless it is, I realized, if I were in the same situation, I’d be reacting in the exact same way.

So the question is why? Why can’t I take my own advice? My whole plan for the upcoming year is to be fearless, but this situation shouldn’t even be fear inducing, its kind of a sure thing. But I know I wouldn’t take my own advice. Which makes me think, how many other things am I missing out on by being scared? And what’s worse, how many things am I missing out on by being scared of NOTHING?

One of my goals for the year was to do something that scares me, and I’m realizing its value more than ever today. I think I need to do several things that scare me, and I’m kind of excited to do so. Right now, the only legitimate fears are death and personal injury, humiliation is not an option! Will I take my own advice? I don’t know, it’s going to be scary. But I really do have nothing to lose, and its time to start doing the things that scare me!

Welcome!

For the past few years, in the days between Christmas and New Years, a close friend and I have dedicated our time to making elaborate, ambitious, colorful goal lists. And they seriously are colorful; we use markers and illustrate them, so by the end of the Starbucks session, they look more like third grade art projects than our life plans for the next 365 ¼ days. As a girl who’s a bit of a control freak, I’ve always been big on checklists. So, having my goals on a well organized month-by-month checklist was kind of a dream come true, and while I never met ALL of my goals, I did pretty well. Even better, we had fun creating our goals. That checklist has seen everything from “Be a lady in the street but a freak in the bed” to “Graduate college” and “Get a 4.0”.

But now, I’ve come to a crossroads. After being in school continuously for seventeen years of my life, I’m not anymore. After working pretty much non-stop for most of college, I’m now unemployed. And, after living in a fabulous, metropolitan beach town for the past 4 years on my own, I’m preparing to move back into my mother’s house in a decidedly UN-fabulous, un-metropolitan, 250-miles-from-the-beach town. In other words, my absolute worst nightmare.

It’s funny though, how sometimes your worst nightmare is exactly what you need. I’ll admit, this happens rarely, but in this case, it really is. My plan had always been to stay in this fabulous town, working any job that would hire me, to be able to afford my apartment and keep living my fabulous life until I was pulled away by a fabulous grad program in a fabulous town. It seemed like a great plan, but my primary reason for wanting all this, and being willing to sacrifice my life savings for it, was so I could stay close to my fabulous boyfriend. So you can imagine my surprise when this fabulous boyfriend broke up with me (he wasn't going to be staying near the fabulous town anymore himself), and mere moments later had all but disappeared completely from my life. Shortly after, when I decided to actually do the math, I realized that by moving home, I could save up to $18,000, just in living expenses (turns out the cost of living in fabulous cities is insanely high). And really, even the most fabulous towns aren’t that fun when you have no one, including friends, to do fabulous activities with.

So that’s how it happened. One day, moving back home was my worst nightmare, the next, it was my only feasible option. But I’m determined to make the most of it! For the past 17 years, I’ve worked my ass off (literally, anyone looking for a quick weight loss fix should try STRESS. Its not healthy, but its effective) to do well in school, to get into the next level of school, and to work to save money for that next big adventure (which, inevitably, was always school). Now I have a year to do whatever I want to do, and I realize I have no idea what I want or what I like. I have no hobbies. I don’t have many close friends. And now, I don’t have school.

So its time to shake things up! Of course, I still need to get into grad school, or else this blog will be indefinitely long, and even my mom will decide to stop reading. Getting a job to pay for said grad school would probably not be a bad idea. But besides the practical aspects, I have an entire year to do whatever I want. So, its time for another checklist. The coming year is dedicated to the things I’ve always wanted to do, but never had an excuse for since, arguably, they won’t lead to anything (at least on paper) that I can utilize for my future goals.

1. I want to write a book. Will it suck? Definitely. But hey, I’ve got a year of a LOT of free time. Its time to get writing!

2. I’m going to watch EVERY movie on the AFI 100 Years… 100 Passions list. I like movies. I like old movies. I like unrealistic portrayals of romance. So I’m doing it.

3. I’m going to make some friends, since somehow, in the past 4 years, I haven’t done as much of that as I should have.

4. I’m going to make the world a better place. I’m not sure how, but I’m going to do it.

5. I’m going to do something that scares me. I'm not sure what, but it will be amazing.

6. I’m going to laugh EVERY day, and really try to enjoy life, despite the fact that I’m in the last place I’ve ever dreamed of.

7. I’m going to travel. Maybe it won’t be far, and maybe it won’t be glamorous (I am still unemployed after all) but I’m going to get out there and explore. Might as well, right!

8. I’m going to appreciate the time I get to spend with my family, because we may never live in the same town again, and honestly, that’s a little bittersweet.

9. I’m going to run a 5k. I hate exercising, and I especially hate running. But its time to get my ass in gear! Who knows, maybe I’ll get ambitious and even try a sprint triathalon. Maybe.

10. And I’m going to get into a fabulous grad school, DESPITE the fact that my GPA is not perfect, DESPITE the fact that we’re in a recession and my programs seem to be getting cut left and right, and DESPITE the fact that the only schools I want to go to are horribly impacted. I’ll make it happen.

11. And last but not least, I’ll write about it ALL here.