Update

I've been fairly MIA recently, and that's due in part to me finally getting the proper paperwork and footwork completed to be part of the workforce (hallelujah!) and, sadly, to the really unexpected loss of my grandmother a little over two weeks ago. Even though I've felt like a whirling dervish of activity the past few weeks, it's a little difficult to put into words anything blog-worthy that I've been up to. I'm not a big one on expressing emotions (although I've gotten quite good at recognizing them... baby steps, I suppose) and am a big fan of the mantra: when uncomfortable, crack a joke! But I guess it would be slightly inappropriate to be cracking jokes about the death of someone I loved so much, so here's my best attempt as an honest, but not too sappy, outpouring of emotion.

If I'm being perfectly honest, I spent the two weeks between the death and memorial service feeling incredibly guilty for not being sad enough about my grandma's passing. I mean, yes, it would be different, and no, I wasn't thrilled with the turn of events, but I was really surprised at how ok I was. I didn't even cry. And I assumed that if I could be consistently fine for two weeks, I would stay that way. My feelings on this seemed to oscillate between the aforementioned guilt and some major relief that I wasn't going to fall apart like I'd been waiting for the rest of the family to do.

But, as we all know, nothing in my life (or anyone's, I'm guessing) is ever simple. I waited until about 5 minutes before the memorial to realize exactly how devastating this death was to me. So, naturally, the snotty, choking mess of grief that I became only happened once I was in full view of dozens of family and friends. To anyone who's wondering: a funeral is NOT the time to try out more dramatic eye makeup. Lesson learned.

That said, I guess it's only natural to feel some pretty intense grief at the first major loss I've experienced in my life (and trust me, I realize how absolutely blessed I am for that). My grandma was a vivacious, playful, happy, fighter of a woman, and in my memories of her, I'm constantly remembering traits I'd be smart to try to encourage in my own personality. She was a lady who knew what she wanted, and went out and got it, no matter what.

So here's what I want: no more funerals, no more deaths, no more loss. Call me selfish, but I'm not really a fan of making a spectacle of myself in front of a large group by crying, nor am a fan of crying for any reason. So friends, family, loved ones: listen up. Take a multivitamin, get out and move, know your body and when it changes, and for God's sake, laugh every chance you get. I promise to do my best to do the same.

I miss you Grandma. You were one hell of a woman. Rest in peace.